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Adrienne Mong / NBC News
Is she a superior mom?
BEIJING – As if the Western media’s predilection for pitting a rising China against a declining America in the political, diplomatic, economic, and military realms weren't enough, now we have to contend with the culture wars.
Over the weekend, Yale Law School professor Amy Chua fired the first salvo in what someone on Twitter dubbed “the global mommy wars.”
“Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best,” Chua wrote in her essay, “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior,” in The Wall Street Journal Saturday. The essay was an excerpt from her new book, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,” which will be released Tuesday in the United States. (Chua appears on NBC's Today Show on Tuesday morning.)
In the article, Chua tries to address what it is about Chinese parenting that produces a plethora of wunderkind math geniuses, violin virtuosos or piano prodigies who ace their way into Ivy League colleges and other top educational institutions.
The essay quickly became the most popular article on the Journal’s website over the weekend: it had over 1,770 comments by Monday and 85,000 people had “liked” it on Facebook. All the attention bewildered Twitter users: “Chinese Mothers is a trending topic?? LOL”
‘Mommie Dearest’ with Chinese characteristics
In the excerpt – which reads alternately like a how-to guide, a satire or a lament – Chua identified three key qualities in Chinese parents that enable “success”: a lack of fussing over their children’s self-esteem; a belief that kids owe their parents everything; and an unshakeable belief that the parents know what’s best.
“The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable – even legally actionable – to Westerners,” wrote Chua. “Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:
o attend a sleepover
o have a playdate
o be in a school play
o complain about not being in a school play
o watch TV or play computer games
o choose their own extracurricular activities
o get any grade less than A
o not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
o play any instrument other than the piano or violin
o not play the piano or violin.”
The article sounds so incredible to Western readers – and many Asian ones, too – that many people thought the whole thing was satire.
But drawing on personal experience and after an informal canvassing of Chinese friends, acquaintances, and family, I would argue that it’s no joke. If anything, aspects of her essay resonated profoundly with many people, especially Chinese Americans – not necessarily in a good way.
“I can’t speak for every parent in China, but I’ve seen enough strict parenting and I’ve been through it,” said one friend, B., a mainland Chinese native. (For privacy reasons, I've identified some friends just by their initials.) “My mom would make me kneel down or smack me in the head if I didn’t make an A.”
I, for one, remember being berated – at 6 or 7 years old – for bringing home a report card that showed I’d scored only a three out of 10 in arithmetic. That tattered document still bears the marks of a rolling pin that my mother used to bang on the document in anger and frustration. And that was just one of innumerable instances of feeling like a complete failure.
As Chua wrote, “Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe their child can get them.” There is no such thing as mediocrity or failure – unless it’s deliberate.
“When I think about my teenage years, all I can remember is constant fear, fear that she would find out I had a crush on a boy, fear that I would fail in a test, fear that she would find out I had lied to her,” said B.
L., an American-born Chinese woman whose mother died when she was only 10 years old, said, “I was raised that same way, relentlessly for 10 years,” and she recalled similar fights over how much to practice piano.
Adrienne Mong / NBC News File
Chinese children participate in a salsa class in Shanghai.
Where is the love?
The three qualities that Chua describes as defining Chinese parenting might make for a certain kind of success story, but, again, many of the friends and family I spoke to thought otherwise.
One of my uncles, Ping Mong, used to work at a big American company where he helped to hire employees from Taiwan. The graduates came typically from the best universities, he said, and “they do well in individual study and research.” Problems arose, however, whenever they were expected to work on team projects. “They’re so good at focusing on the academic background … that they lack presentation skills, negotiating skills, interpersonal skills.”
Education, he continued, is of course important, but so is developing as a human being.
And that, many people have argued, is the flaw with the Chinese parenting style – at least the one described by Chua.
Though she continues to feel the loss of her mother decades later, L. said, “My mother never touched us, never embraced us or said she loved us. She clothed us, put food in my rice bowl nightly, put me in a bath and peeled and cut fruit for me nightly. That was her way of expressing love, and many Chinese are no different.”
In Chinese society, especially when older generations are included, parents just don’t express much affection. (Although that trend seems to be changing for young urban middle class families in China who can only have one child. J., a mainland Chinese friend, noticed that most of her friends “do not want or do not raise their kids in the same way their parents did.”)
But try growing up in a society like America where people hug even when they just say hello, and you start noticing the fact that your parents never hug or kiss you. Try growing up in a society which places a high value on positive reinforcement and you might start wondering why it is that your parents only ever notice your faults and your inability to be the best student in your entire class.
When it comes to guilt, high expectations and an emphasis on success, especially academic success, “Jewish mothers are just as bad,” joked A., another American-born Chinese friend. “But at least therapy is acceptable in Jewish society.”
Indeed.
Therapy, like failure, is considered by many Chinese to be an expression of weakness – which often leads to tragic consequences. It’s been widely reported that, according to the Department of Health and Human Services, Asian American women aged 15-24 have the highest suicide rates amongst all ethnic groups. One of the chief culprits cited is the pressure to achieve academic success.
Adrienne Mong / NBC News File
NBC News cameraman Maurice Roper films a news story about Chinese children enjoying their extra-curricular activities.
Balancing instead of clashing cultures
Of course, with every generalization or cultural stereotype, there are numerous exceptions. L.Q. said she feels lucky that she “was not subjected to the pressure and guilt” described in Chua’s article. “However, I know my father must have gone through some of her angst. He was forced to play the violin to such a degree … that to this day he can’t listen to any music with the violin in it,” she said.
In fact, despite the snappy headline in Saturday’s newspaper, it turns out Chua isn’t necessarily arguing that her form of parenting is really superior. “This was supposed to be a story of how Chinese parents are better at raising kids than Western ones. But instead, it’s about a bitter clash of cultures, a fleeting taste of glory, and how I was humbled by a 13-year-old,” she wrote.
Instead of pitting one against the other, friends and family say parents could use a bit of both.
L.Q., a third-generation Chinese-American, is married to a Colombian. Theirs was a relaxed household – at least until she read Chua’s excerpt to her husband. “Afterwards, [he] was inspired to call a family meeting later that day to create a calendar and schedule in time for the girls to practice the piano five days a week for 30 minutes a day,” she told me.
And, of course, there was that final arbiter – at least in my life:
“I think [Chinese parenting] is different, but I wouldn’t necessarily say better,” said my mother after she read the article. “I have seen kids brought up and do well and perform well and not necessarily have Chinese parents. They’re from Western families.”
She thought a bit more and then added, “Maybe it’s a better way to discipline the children. But it doesn’t mean you make better parents.”
More on the parenting debate on the Today Moms blog:
Leave a Comment:
That's an incredible amount of pressure to put on a child. It is impossible for every child to be the number one student in a class...what happens then? In one word, suicide.
My Caucasian in-laws asked me, their Chinese American daughter-in-law, why Asian Americans do so well in school and my response was, because there is an expectation that you will do well and parents demand excellence. It's not because they are as a whole smarter. Getting a B+ or an A- was not good enough and not acceptable. The idea that you tried hard isn't enough because quite frankly you must not have tried hard enough.
Reminds me of my dad, and he's Indian. They have high pressures on their children too, but not to cover everything like the Arts, but rather just work hard, earn an MBA and get a family. Many don't even have proper social skills because it was always to work hard academically.
I was under a lot of stress in my school years that I purposely decided I don't care about school, get far as a C or D (it was passing grade) and I was happy enough to get out of school. College rolls around and he's mad I'm not going to a Uni, Oh well. I'll do whatever I please, and NO DAD I don't want to be a Doctor or a Lawyer, I might kill someone or I'll laugh at people's problems in court! I'd be terrible at either ;)
I am of mexican descent..... My mother was raised that way an of course mi father.....
They did nt raise us that way.... they were more loving an affectionate.......
As a "Chinese father", I cannot remember how many times I have to stand between the beast and the victims, facing off the beast. Really, where is her "love"?
I don't think I want to take parenting classes from a culture that aborts female babies just for the sake of trying to acquire a male. Sorry, all wrong.
This is insane. I know that our parenting isnt perfect, but its insane to demand perfection from a child and never allow them to experience life. They demand too much while we perhaps demand too little from our children. We have to find some sort of middle ground.
I am glad you wrote an article against Amy Chua's article. I had a mom like her and I hated it. I would never do that to my kids.
Here is an exchange I had with a friend who posted a link to this article. Both of us have lived in China and have Chinese in our family:
Him:
Wow, I am all for being a strict parent, but this headline should read "How to raise psychotic children"
Me:
Yes the title is alarming, and transparent. While there are interesting truthful elements in the article, she also clearly avoids addressing some of the deeper issues and consequences of this type of high pressure parenting, such as: the i...ntense selfishness on the part of the parent that is very often the root of this pressure on the kids.
By this I mean that it is normal in China for parents to gain or lose face on the achievements or failures of their kids (which already borders on insane). Additionally, there is a serious expectation that the career achievements of the kids will directly benefit the parents. For the author to write as if this is all done out of love and concern for the kid is disingenuous at best. There are more sides to a human's psyche that need consideration than simply work ethic and achievement.
This is the other issue, the consequences; yes her craziness might lead to high achievement, but very very often it also leads to high anxiety, and a total lack of development in other areas. I am sure you understand what I am saying, having spent time in mainland China.
Him:
Everything you said is correct. It is all about face, and all about what the parents will get back from their kids later. A straight-A student, coming out of the best university, will get a great job. However that same person likely will never be balanced and happy in life, nor will that same person see promotions and a lively career due to an utter lack of social skills. I feel that article is just trolling for these types of comments, I certainly hope the WSJ doesn't buy into these ideas.
Me:
Exactly, not to mention that this approach directly leads to an abysmal lack of development in humanism, creativity, and curiosity. If anyone has spent time there the utter dregs in these departments culturally is nothing less than glaring.... It's all about achievement, face, money, status and well, superiority over others, with an unabashed complete lack of concern for those outside your family and social circle. That is the type of society we can create if we ignore the social and spiritual needs of the whole person in favor of their practical use as an offspring in a competitive social structure.
It is funny how the author mentions that the kids can only play piano of violin etc.. that is the norm along with only being allowed to become a doctor or lawyer, everyone knows that, but why?
Well, again because violins and piano's can become soloists (first chair) and better paid and bring the fame as well if they make it, Keep in mind that this is all ONLY within western classical music, god forbid the kids would do anything other than offer their full hegemonic kiss to the foreign devils... anything less would be a much lower status.
She simply avoids addressing the fact that this idea of 'music' is not only extremely narrow, but has absolutely nothing to do with a love or enjoyment of any actual music, but only the money and status that this particular musical seat offers.
A society (and children who form it) without joy. That is very much what they have over there. Lacking joy? GO to KTV, someone will help you out, and Baijiu too, then back to work!
***
I have spent a lot of time in China and know the language and culture well.
This article is simply stupid in that it ignores totally the massive weaknesses of this style of parenting, not to mention what drives it.
well, stop complaining then if asians take over the world.....stop whining and just use/ wear your made in china stuff....
Well, here's an old saying that works well with this story...
When in Rome do as the Romans do...
If you live in East, do it the Eastern way. If you live in the West, do it the Western way. No harm, no foul.
Amy Chua is clueless
Yeah well it doesn't hurt that China's moms were throwing baby girls into the Yangtze either. Parents in the US are not allowed to abuse their kids, they do but they are not allowed to. I think in China if you don't abuse your kid to the top, you are looked down on.
My observations of people from Asian backgrounds are pretty much all the same. I discussed this with a cousin who lived in China. I've always gotten the feeling that they are a "every man for himself" culture. There doesn't seem to be any sort of "we" mentality. I said to my cousin that I couldn't figure out how in a place with such a dense population (China), people could possibly get by without ever really working together. Everyone has their own agenda and nobody else seems to matter. This article has shed some light on why that is. Interesting.
I've got to say, I've never met a stupid Chinese person... i've met plenty of truly stupid Americans, but I've never ever met a Chinese idiot, they just don't exist. I chalk it up to some kind of 'Asian focus gene' that I'm sure scientists will discover one day... Have you ever seen a Chinese person concentrate on something? They're incredible! I stand in awe of their ability to accomplish the impossible, though there's got to be a way to play to that strength without being a psycho-helicopter parent...
While I agree that some things on her list are a bit extreme... never allowed to play any instrument other than piano or violin? No school play? Really?? BUT I have said for years to anyone willing to listen to me that one of the major contributing factors to poor performance in school and the attitudes of today's youth stems from the fact that today's parents try to be their kids friends. Kids go to school to make friends. They don't need us for that. They need us to set standards high enough that they have to work at reaching them but not setting them so low that failure is acceptable. Is every student going to be at a 4.0 level? No way... but if we just pat them on the back and said "awww.. its ok, go have a cookie and play some video games" they will NEVER put forth the effort to raise their grades or learn an instrument or anything else. Not to mention that we are raising a generation of idiots who have no idea how to balance a check book or take care of themselves. How many have 20-somethings living at home (with their children) because they simply have no idea how to live in the real world and provide for themselves... Think back on the families of the 40's and 50's.. those kids were held to standards and understood the concept of consequences for their actions. We could stand to have a bit of that back without worry that social services will step in when you restrict your child's access to tv or play dates.
I think Amy Chua has made a Sino-centric rubbish claim here. As a Korean-American, I know a lot more Korean, and Indian students who outperformed other kids at school, including Chinese kids. If her myth is true, why is that Indians, Koreans, Japanese, and others have higher educational attainment, and have more professionals in the US and elsewhere?
I was raised in an American family that used these same strict parenting styles. Even to the point of no hugging or affection. While I am a success, today, in financial terms, I find normal socializing difficult. I have had several ~long-term relationships (4+ years), but they have failed mostly because of my lack of closeness and caring. I DO have anxiety about my social skills, and DON'T believe that the money makes up for my faults!
So from what I read, they are growing up to be nothing more than Human Robot's.
It's just cultural differences. There's more than one way to skin a cat, and raise a child. Chinese culture views that child if left to its' own devices would go to waste and never accomplish anything, they needed to be shaped and chiseled to becomes something of worth. The soccre moms in the US are just as demanding, only in different areas and ways.
This woman gets a 10 on the warped meter.
While this article concentrates on Chinese extremes, this style of parenting very common around the world. I'm Russian and I was raised in a similar fashion. Our parents expected only the best out of us and today, all four of us are educated, successful individuals. My parents retired at 45, no 20-something dependants. They were never mushy either, but we are all grateful for the wisdom of our parents.
The values you put into your child is what your child will give back to you. Simple.
Indians, Koreans, and Japanese also push their kids to the extreme. I am married to a Korean woman and suffer the effects daily of a woman who has been subjected to a culture that says never slow down, never stop working. She doesn't even know how to relax and wonders how I can. When she didn't get accepted into a prestigious boarding high school, her mother acted as if she were the worst daughter in the world.We live in Korea in a place where parents are constantly pushing their kids to do more and more extracurricular academic activities.
Is this good or bad? Well, I live with a woman who is brilliant in some ways but cold in others. "This is a pushing culture", she tells me. I get pushed a lot as a result of this. There is a lot less unconditional love and cheerleading and a lot more tit-for-tat than in our culture. She doesn't seem to want to do anything for me without my pushing her or sacrificing something for her.
Her parents still act like they know best and her father comes by on a daily basis to offer advice on our business. Also, her sister works with us(which I protested heavily, but to no avail). This was also forced upon us by her parents since her sister can't seem to do anything else.
I don't know what I'm trying to say. Draw your own conclusions. I realize now that it is difficult for most people to judge other cultures if they are not immersed in them. I am a caucasian from Texas in case you're interested.
I am currently in a parenting class and they stress loving your child. Always telling then that you love them unconditionally. I sometimes get crazy trying to teach my kids sports, but I think being able to love and having a close family relationship is more important than success. I think China was such a poor country for so long and so overpopulated that being successful became the most important. There is so much competition for college in China and Japan they need to get all A's. I dont think they will stay like that. We are spoiled here because anyone can go to college and get all "c's" and still be successful.
Besides, being rich is overrated. I have a few really rich friends who I would never trade my life for.
I am curious to find statistics that show the rate of suicide among this culture. Along with that I would also like to know based on a poll how many people actually feel that there life is full as I am describing them not as human beings but as robots..that is what they are training these people to be right? No emotion if any to their children..how sad for them, we are not a society of cold hearted parents and most of our children are fullfilled. China is not perfect by any means, look at their prisons full of the same crap as america. Really people really...sounds to me as though the author needed some attention that only publishing an article like this can provide, attention to herself to replace the lack of emotion of her own parents. So sad for her.